


Can't Buy Me Love

by DinoDina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU - No Voldemort, Bachelor Auction, Charity Auctions, First Dates, Friends to more, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:45:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DinoDina/pseuds/DinoDina
Summary: In a show of altruism, Fred and George are hosting a charity bachelor auction, and Percy's invited to keep an eye on things. He really should have paid more attention to his brothers...





	Can't Buy Me Love

Percy watched his brothers run around the store. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes was successful, but he dreaded at what went on behind the scenes; they looked like headless chickens It was pure chaos.

Percy himself was standing as far away from any activity as possible. Knowing Fred and George—and the rest of the assorted Weasley siblings there that day—, he was going to fall victim to some prank or other if he wasn't careful.

They were setting something up at the store, but Percy didn't yet know what. He was there, as Fred and George had told him yesterday, as a responsible Ministry employee to monitor their activities. If that was true, Percy reasoned with a feeling of relief, then the activities weren't illegal.

The center of the store had been somewhat cleared to accommodate a stage and several chairs, and Fred was hanging a sign above the stage while George was putting a sign over the main door. George stepped back to admire his handiwork and Percy's eyes widened.

"You're having a charity auction?"

"Yes, dear brother!" George beamed.

"But it's not only that," Fred added, pointing, "look!"

"It's a charity bachelor auction!" they finished together.

Percy leaned on the wall behind him. "Surely that's illegal…"

"Nope."

"But… auctioning people?" Percy's voice was shaking from anger at his brothers for organizing the auction and at the Ministry for allowing it. "That can't be ethical!"

"Relax, it's only for the day." George waved a dismissive hand.

Fred grinned. "And muggles do them all the time!"

"Long story short, our little undertaking is completely Ministry-approved."

"So you, dear brother, have nothing to worry about!"

Percy didn't believe them. Not one bit.

Fred and George have been mischief-makers all their lives. They had been pranking him and the rest of their siblings before they could walk, and jokes became the basis of their careers. For all that the day's plan was altruistic, it was also ripe for disaster.

Percy scowled but didn't interrupt the rest of their preparations. Nearby, he could see Ron and Ginny rearranging some shelves and trying not to tip them over; they'd come along for the day to help out, just like Percy. On the second floor, he could see Bill and Charlie playing with some Pygmy Puffs. It seemed like Percy was the only responsible one, like always.

He sighed and moved into a relaxed half-slouch. He wasn't sure if the walls were stable enough to support a person leaning on them—or if they weren't part of some elaborate store-wide prank on unsuspecting customers.

"Oi, Fred!" George yelled suddenly. "D'you think we're ready?"

Fred ran over to his brother and together they surveyed the surroundings. "You know what, Georgie?"

"What?"

Fred wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "I think we are."

"Let her open!" George yelled to Ron, pointing at the door.

Percy pressed as close to the wall as he dared when a crowd of customers stormed the building. Most were school-age children, the younger ones going for the Pygmy Puffs and self-erasing quills, the older ones towards the love potions and Skiving Snackboxes. Percy made some faces, but stayed relatively out of the way, as none of the kids were his business or responsibility.

He saw some Prefects there, too, and bristled.  _He_  would never have gone to such an establishment, but he'd always been a 'stick in the mud', according to his brothers.

Percy made himself comfortable next to the wall, smiled at the few people that made eye contact with him, and watched with detachment as a small girl in a beige dress spilled one of the love potions and Ginny reassured her parents that it wouldn't cost them anything.

Twenty minutes passed, then thirty. Forty minutes, and Percy was beginning to consider leaving the wall to go find one of his brothers and demanding to know when the auction was going to start.

"Attention, customers!" a voice suddenly boomed. Percy couldn't tell who was speaking, but it was just as likely that it was the enchanted announcing system. Everyone in the store, just like Percy, was listening. "If you are interested in the charity auction, please make your way to the center of the store, where the amazing proprietors will begin the auction in fifteen minutes. Please be aware that the auction will continue for the next five hours."

Percy pushed off the wall and moved to where he could clearly see the stage. That was where he was needed, after all.

He stayed out of the way, next to Bill and Charlie, who were watching Fred and George move around the stage, talking to several good-looking wizards.

"So why did they call you?" Percy wondered.

"For fun." Charlie shrugged. "It was a quiet day—the dragons aren't due to hatch for another three weeks and the new Welsh Green's settling in pretty well, she's very strong and adaptable and  _so_ cheerful and beautiful and—well, I thought I might take a few hours to Apparate here and see how my family's doing."

"Few hours?" Bill scoffed. "Mum'll have you stay for dinner, and you know it."

"That's not a bad thing. Our dragons are amazing and there's no better dragon sanctuary in the world that's as big or as equipped as ours to deal with all species—because some dragons like the Chinese Fireball aren't easy to please but once you know what they want, they're easy to deal with…" Charlie trailed off with a dreamy look on his face. "But I'm not a dragon, sadly. We've not got much in the way of home cooking."

Bill laughed and clapped Charlie on the shoulder. "I see you haven't changed much."

"Not one bit." Charlie grinned, and, in turn, put his hand on Percy's shoulder. "What about you?"

"What  _about_  me?"

"Why are you here? You don't seem like the type to watch Fred and George's charity bachelor auction."

Percy shrugged. "Apparently, they needed a 'responsible Ministry employee'. I don't know if they actually need me here because of a permission or licensing issue, but I can't take the chance."

"There's our Percy." Bill laughed. "Diligent to a fault. Oh, well, maybe you'll have fun."

Percy snorted. "Of course I will."

The rest of his siblings, though, looked like they were having fun. With Fred and George on the stage, Ginny and Ron were dealing with the customers, talking and laughing as they worked. Bill and Charlie seemed to expect the day to end happily.

"How does this thing work?" he asked Bill after a minute. "They didn't tell me anything."

"Well, the Muggles work them like a regular auction. You know, people come on stage and the audience bids against each other on them."

"But that's not what's happening here?"

"No, they're doing it a bit differently." Bill pointed at the stage. "The subjects of the auction sit in those chairs, see? And throughout the day, people will come and offer money for them without knowing how much other people did. Whoever offers the most wins a date, and all the money—from everyone—will go to assorted charities."

Percy nodded in approval; there weren't many charities in the Wizarding World, and he appreciated his brothers' sentiment. "I still don't like that they didn't tell me before."

"They wanted it to be a surprise, I suppose," Charlie said. "And to have your calming influence be here after the auction was underway, not during the planning stages."

Percy scowled. His reserved nature meant that he would have made his brothers do something more sensible than a bachelor auction, but he couldn't help it. Everything seemed to be going smoothly now and it didn't seem like he was necessary.

Even though Fred and George looked like they had everything in hand, Percy's sense of duty prevented him from leaving, so he conjured a chair, sat down, and kept watching the stage, just in case.

Right on time, seven handsome men ascended the stage. They were dressed in semi-formal robes and were well-groomed. Percy trusted himself to be a good judge of their looks—he had long since accepted his attraction to both males and females—and, judging from the twins' welcoming smiles, they were the bachelors. He had no idea  _how_  they were bachelors, but they were.

He watched as they took turns shaking hands with his brothers, then smiled at the group of customers assembled in front of the stage, and took their seats. It seemed that the auction would be based purely on their looks.

Percy kept looking at them. As good-looking as they were, they weren't anything special. Slightly better than the average wizard, sure, but nothing extraordinary. His brothers seemed to be about to begin the auction when the door of the store slammed shut and someone ran in, heading directly for the stage.

"Sorry!" The man leaned forward, catching his breath. He straightened up and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. He smiled, then, and said in an unmistakable Scottish brogue, "Got caught up practicing. I'm not late, am I?"

"And here we thought you'd be punctual," George said, shaking his head.

"I thought Oliver Wood didn't know the definition of the word 'late'," Fred added with mock disappointment.

"It was Quidditch!" Oliver defended.

"You had the day off."

"You told us."

"But… Quidditch…" Oliver looked from one twin to the other. "It's important to practice every day. Even one missed day is a missed opportunity."

"You haven't changed at all." George sighed.

"Sit down, then." Fred pointed to the proper seat. "Auction's about to start. We wouldn't have waited."

Oliver sat down. Percy could see that he was muttering something, and if he wasn't mistaken, it was about the importance of Quidditch. Trust his brothers to get Puddlemere United's Keeper—and his old Hogwarts roommate—to take the day off for charity.

* * *

"Good turnout, eh?" Fred said, appearing on Percy's left side.

"I think it's great," George added from his right.

Percy hummed noncommittally. He'd watched countless witches and wizards come into the shop and bid on the bachelors, and had honestly stopped paying much attention after the first hour. He took his job seriously, but not that seriously.

The only watching he'd done had been of Oliver Wood. He had no idea how his brothers had managed it, but he was there. He wondered if they had blackmailed him; he'd been their Quidditch Captain back at Hogwarts, after all, so they would have had  _something_.

He himself had been somewhat close to Oliver at school, because they'd been roommates, but they hadn't managed to stay in touch in the past few years. There'd been a few Christmas and birthday cards at first, but nothing concrete, and now Percy regretted it. With his focus on his job, he was somewhat lacking in friends; what he remembered of Oliver Wood was that he was friendly and nice, if a bit of a Quidditch fanatic.

"Time to end this," Fred announced suddenly, and they were gone just as quickly as they'd appeared.

"Amazing customers!" the booming voice from the morning announced. "The auction is now finished! Results will be announced in fifteen minutes! Thank you, and don't forget that the Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder is on sale!"

Percy scowled at the mention of the Powder, then stood up and made his way to where Fred and George were counting the money and talking.

"How is it?" he asked.

"Brilliant," they chorused, beaming.

"Good." Percy turned on his heel and returned to his seat, trusting his brothers to do what was best; they were grown-up now, and he was working hard on not being as overbearing as he'd been in his youth.

Still, he stood up and went to the stage when the twins began to announce the results of the auction. They were pretty straightforward: the most good-looking ones—not Oliver, to Percy's surprise—had gotten offered the most money and the first seven bachelors were now on their way to the reward dates.

"And… er…" Fred looked awkwardly at the only person left on stage. "Oliver Wood… Keeper of Puddlemere United…"

"…who got a start-up bid of… er…" George scratched his head awkwardly. "Five Galleons… from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes…"

"…is  _not_  going on a date with neither myself nor my brother," Fred said quickly. He scanned the audience and Percy could pinpoint the exact moment their eyes met. "Our older brother, Percy Weasley…"

"…will get the honor!"

There was some scattered applause. But Percy didn't clap. He couldn't. He made eye contact with Oliver, who looked just as mortified as he felt; why did Percy have to be the consolation prize? It wasn't his fault no one had offered any money for Oliver!

Fred and George, in the meantime, had jumped off the stage and were heading towards Percy with identical wicked grins.

"Sorry, mate," George said, not looking at all apologetic. "No one can handle his Quidditch talk."

"You can bore each other to death with your respective interests, yeah?" Fred reached up and patted his cheek.

They had run to the back of the store before Percy could blink.

And to think that he had relaxed! He'd been on edge all morning and for most of the day, but right when it mattered, he had trusted them! The twins targeted him more than they did their other siblings, but never maliciously. This seemed to toe the line, though: he hadn't volunteered, he hadn't done  _anything_ ,and here he was, Oliver Wood's consolation prize!

He didn't have any more time to compose himself after this humiliation, either, because Oliver was now right in front of him.

"Hello, Percy."

"Hello, Oliver." Percy hoped he wasn't as awkward as he'd sounded.

"How… er, how've you been?"

He'd barely managed to keep in touch with his family after school—and had only reconnected with them after missing Christmas one year—so it was no wonder he had no idea what he was doing. Percy cleared his throat. "Good. I've been good."

"That's good."

"How have you been?"

"Good."

They stood there. Percy was glad they weren't in anyone's way, because that would have made the whole mortifying experience even worse. Oliver didn't look  _bad_  to be there, at the very least, so Percy relaxed a bit.

"Would you like to go somewhere else?" he asked. "Not with—not with me. You don't have to. Unless you want to. We have to spend the rest of the day together, but we don't  _have_  do... my brothers won't do anything or… well…"

"No, let's go." Oliver nodded. "Always easier to talk over some food. Besides, we haven't done anything together since Hogwarts, it would be great to catch up!"

"Really?"

"Why?"

"Nothing, I just thought you'd have Quidditch or something." Percy shrugged apologetically as they started walking out of the store and in the direction of Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. "Nothing against you, but that's why you were late to the auction this morning, right? Flying?"

"Yeah." Oliver's eyes lit up. "Flying. It's incredible. I… Quidditch, too…We just played the Cannons, you know? Good game, completely neck and neck the entire time, we won by ten points! It was incredible! Captain said to get the weekend off, but I went flying this morning on our pitch… you wouldn't believe how serene it is right after dawn, when the sky hits the hoops just right…  _That's_  what I was doing this morning."

Oliver hadn't changed since school; if anything, he'd become even more passionate. Percy wasn't interested in Quidditch personally, but he couldn't help but catch Oliver's enthusiasm.

"What do you do, Percy?"

"Other than being the consolation prize at charity events?" The question caught him off-guard, but Percy only allowed himself a small moment of silence.

Oliver took the moment though, and interrupted. "You're not a consolation prize."

"Yes, I am!" Percy laughed. "No one bid on you and you got stuck with me being your companion for the day. I'm a  _literal_ consolation prize, even if you don't think it! And… I am sorry that no one bid on you."

"Don't worry about it." Oliver waved his concern away. "No matter what your brothers think, this is just two friends catching up after seven years apart. Now, what do you actually do?"

Percy sighed. "I work at the Ministry. Department of Magical Transportation. We're currently working on regulating modern transportation methods and making them safer."

"Modern methods of transportation? Like portkeys, magic carpets, brooms, that sort of thing?"

"Yes, broomsticks are our most recent undertaking."

As soon as the words were out of Percy's mouth, Oliver began talking. Taking about broomsticks at first, and how regulations could break them or make them, about how professional Quidditch could be affected, how some countries already had regulations. Percy responded and kept responding, and soon they weren't only talking about work but about their lives and other interests. They bought ice-cream in a break in the conversation, but their treats were halfway melted when they decided to take another break.

* * *

"Why did you have to make him the consolation prize!" Bill was yelling.

"Imagine if mum finds out!" Charlie added.

"Never mind mum,  _I'm_  mad!" Bill interrupted. "That was mean! You humiliated him in front of his old roommate, not to mention everyone in the store! Both of them! 'Sorry no one bid on you, here's our antisocial brother as a consolation prize!'"

"It was too much," Charlie agreed.

"We didn't mean anything by it!" Fred said.

"Really, we didn't!" George added.

"You—"

"Thank you," Percy interrupted from where he'd been standing the doorway of the joke shop, listening. He smiled at Bill and Charlie, then turned to Fred and George. "And thank  _you_. Oliver and I are meeting on Saturday. We thought we'd give this 'date' thing a try, since we had so much fun today."

He grinned at them all and Apparated away.


End file.
